excerpt from my Las Vegas stage act...

[Man-of-Mystery]

…with footnotes.


I’ve just seen something which is so Las Vegas.

I’ve just been to the men’s room[1] where I was watching a guy[2] standing at the condom machine. He was putting a coin in, taking a condom out, putting a coin in, taking a condom out, putting a coin in, taking a condom out…

I saw him notch up about twenty-five, before I thought to myself “No one gets that lucky[3]!” So I approached him[4].

“’Scuse me, don’t you think you ought to stop now?” I said.

Without taking his eyes off the machine, he said, “I’m winning!”

(At this point the audience laughed[5])


Footnotes:

[1] “Men’s room” – now there’s an interesting term – as though any self respecting woman would be seen dead in the place! Interesting set of euphemisms you have for this facility… “Bathroom”, well you can take a bath in there, but only one leg at a time… “Rest room”, yeah try taking a rest in there. The one I like is “the John” – you can imagine that being said with a certain gravitas, you could be in the White House and say to one of those Secret Service guys in a dark suit, “Where’s the John?”, and he would call you “Sir”!

Las Vegas, I love it! I can take my credit card onto the streets of this city, and buy any vice and perversion known to man, beast, or duck – and several that aren’t – but I am still not allowed to say “Toilet”!

[2] I’d like to point out this isn’t something I normally do.

[3] If you know different, tell me.

[4] I don’t normally do this, either.

[5] Honest.


M-o-M